The Sex Moves That Need To Die

The Sex Moves That Need To Die
The sex moves that need to die

The jackhammer.

There, I said it. The jackhammer needs to go, and I'm not sorry about it.

If you got shudders thinking about the God awful sex position, don't worry, sis, you're not alone. The move needs a big old vibe check because it's not only scarring, but it's like having a peen aggressively yell at you, "HERE I AM!"

We know, bro, we know.

Maybe it's the influence of porn, or perhaps it's because the lads my friends and I are hooking up with aren't the best shaggers. Whatever it is, the regular gossip session has become upsettingly predictable, and at one point or another, we have all summed up our saucy rendezvous recap with "and then he morphed into a jackhammer", followed by enormous "ughhhhhh".

Are we okay? No, we are not. On the scale of sex moves that need to cease to exist, this one is top of my list, right next to aggressive finger banging.

But I'm not a complete savage, so I'll admit, there is a time and a place where the jackhammer is an absolute vibe - like the too hot, too heavy, way too scandalous to share the details with your mates, quickie.

Other than that, though, it's a goner, so onto the aggressive finger banging.

Give a man a match, and he will make fire, give a man a lady flower, and he will go fully rogue trying to reach the finish line as soon as possible. Is it enjoyable? No, it's not. Does it bring pleasure? Also no. Will he continue doing it? Most likely, but this is an excellent time for you to practice ripping off the bandaid.

I promise his ego will recover by the time he realises his phalanges have their own mind-blowing skill set.

I can't speak on behalf of women's finger banging ability, I've never been with one, but I'm going to go ahead and assume they know what they're doing, considering they also have a cave of wonders, so this one's for the lads.
One thing the boo thangs seem to forget when participating in this move is it's not a sprint, it's a marathon, and like a marathon, there are things you need to do to prepare. Firstly, for the love of God, please cut your fingernails.

Secondly, with over 8,000 nerve endings down there, it's pretty sensitive and deserves to be wined, dined and made to feel like the only girl in the world, not a ram raided. Slow and steady wins the race, baby.

Last but certainly not least, faking the big-O.

Seriously, who is this helping - except every woman who drops the line "only six seconds and I had to fake it" in an absolute banger of a song.

I grew up thinking the greatest achievement in life was impressing boys and boosting their egos, so I completely understand why people fake the big-O. Seeing the smile on a person's face when they think they've hit the pot of gold is enough to make you feel like you've done your good deed for the year and are a solid A+ type of person.

But do you know what feels better than making them think they hit the pot of gold? Them actually hitting the pot of gold.

You are a queen, and a queen always asks for what she wants. Find that large and in charge energy and tell a man (or woman) where and how to put it because protecting someone's ego is not worth jackhammering, aggressive fingerbanging or losing big-O's over.  
– By Lillie Rohan.



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