"Don't get weird, but I told my friends about you."
He said those 10 little words as we walked into his flat, and like any other woman would in that situation, I thought they meant something.
To be fair, they did mean something, just not what I thought.
And if I had been thinking with my head and not my bumpy cuddles brain, I probably would have picked up on what was about to happen because every gal knows the three bases in the world of romantic rendezvous go a little something like this,
First base: sex
Second base: telling your friends
Third base: being ghosted
If you're lying on the couch skulling a combo of wine and ice cream while binging the saddest episodes of Grey's Anatomy because that lad that was obsessed with you suddenly disappeared.
Don't worry, gal, you're not alone.
Ghosting is something I used to think was a myth. I mean, who in their right mind would actually ghost someone?
But then it happened to me, and I realised dating is called the knobstacle course for a reason.
It's full of knob heads.
But this story isn't about Casper. It's about what to do when the lad - who is a five but tricked you into thinking he was a nine - pulls a Houdini and disappears from your life without so much as a "Ciao Bella".
Those little buggers leave you with oh so many questions like, Did his phone break? Has he been pulled away on a top-secret mission to save the world because he's secretly Tom Cruise? Or is he dead?
Unfortunately, his phone is probably fine… and despite your best "I want a celebrity boyfriend" manifestations, you've seen his bank account enough to know he is absolutely not Tom Cruise.
And okay, depending on your level of rage, you may secretly hope he is (not exactly) dead but at least as hurt physically as you are emotionally.
The point is, you can ask as many questions as you want, but the ghosting happened, it sucks and here's how to get over it.
One, key "you have a sooty dick" onto the bonnet of his car.
Kidding, the actual first thing you have to do post ghost is get honest with yourself. By this, I mean finally listening to both your intuition and your friends' complaints about Casper.
Sure, you laughed together, had great sexual chemistry, and he even offered to buy you a coffee that one time - what a gentleman! But if you're truly honest with yourself, there was always something a little bit off.
No one watches their sneaky links phone like a hawk and memorises their pin unless they have plans of breaking into said phone and snooping later because they have a feeling Gemma isn't just a "friend".
If you think something sneaky is happening, it probably is, and since he ghosted you before you got the chance to have an open conversation about it, you have to assume something was happening with Gemma.
Crisis averted. You dodged a bullet.
The second thing to do post ghost is walk away with grace.
I know you desperately want to send him a million "why did you ghost me, you wanker” text messages, but there is no better revenge than playing it cool.
Behind closed doors, you can absolutely have a menty b where you burn his photo, hex him with a spell you found on TikTok and spend hours crying on the phone to your friends.
But keep your cool in public and on social media because there is no allure more irresistible than detachment. Remember, he wants you to be "crazy" because it gives him even more reason to believe he did the right thing by leaving you, but if you do nothing, he's got nothing.
Nada. Nil. Just the regret of ghosting a 10 out of 10.
Once you've come through the "wow, I actually got ghosted" tunnel - approximately two weeks after the ghosting and feel semi-normal again, you'll realise playing it cool, to the point it's almost scary, is the most potent breakup tool.
And when you've come to accept the ghosting as a good thing because one, who wants to date an emotionally immature man child and two, it wasn't as solid as you romanticised it to be in the first place, the rest is up to you.
Go live your life however you want.
And always remember this little token from the iconic Zoe Foster-Blake; even your darkest hour is only 60 minutes long.
- By Lillie Rohan.